Cheap dopamine shots
There
are a few times in the year when I allow myself to actively procrastinate and deliberately go rock bottom. It usually only happens for a week or two, but it's been
almost two months now. And I don't know if it's due to external factors or just for
the fun of it, but the truth is I'm a mess. My brother is joining the army, my father and I don't talk anymore and my mother is still the woman of my life. I'm lacking sleep. I'm not
taking any baths. My hair has gotten big and I feel like I might even put on
some weight. My face is bloated, I'm consuming way more than I'm creating. I'm
seeking cheap dopamine hits and I've fallen back into old habits. I don't feel ready to face the real world. I deny invitations and refuse to see people. Yesterday at 5am I dragged myself naked to the bathroom mirror. I looked at the
figure facing me and I didn't recognize it. Dark circles around the eyes and an
ill-kempt facial hair. Even my voice is fuzzy on the grounds
of not talking. I need to put myself on track, but deep down I don't want to.
In a way, this is a copy mecanism. In a way, this is recharching. Because in
less than a month I'll be back in the big city and I know my mind and body will
go back to the way they were. Because they'll have to. Now they don't. Being sick
is the first step to health. And I do feel good things are coming. Soon,
hopefully. It's both a wish and a gut feeling.
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